Artists: Murkyu, Glasscarpenter
Title: Clearest Sprang
Keywords: Braindance, Ambient, Breakbeat, Noise
Reviewers: Chunk Chogan and The Omega Warrior
*Backstage at the Slamplex Arena…*
Ted McFakon: So Chunk, Warrior… it looks like you’ve heard about Murkyu vs. Glasscarpenter tonight… what are your thoughts?
Chunk Chogan: Well brother, let me just say that if those two boys are gonna get in the ring they’re gonna have to deal with the Chunk brother. All the Chunksters out there watching at home know that anyone saying that they’re gonna go toe-to-toe versus another opponent in MY ring are gonna get slammed brother.
Ted McFakon: And how about you, Warrior?
Omega Warrior: *spitting* I CAME FROM A SPACESHIP A LONG WAY FROM HERE TO DO ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY AND THAT IS CRUSH MY OPPONENTS FOREVER! NO ONE CROSSES THE WARRIOR AND IF THE GRASS CARPENTER AND THE MURKYU THINK THEY HAVE POWER I WILL SHOW YOU POWER WHEN I TAKE YOUR HEADS AND I PULVERIZE YOU! ME AND CHOANK CHOAGAN ARE GONNA SMAAASSHH AND YOU CAN’T RUN AND YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM OMEGA WARRIOR!!!
Ted McFakon: Well, you heard it here first! It sounds like Murkyu vs. Glasscarpenter has just become a tag-team brawl with Chunk Chogan and The Omega Warrior. Let’s check out the action in the arena!
*We cut to the ring, on which a cd player has already been prepared in one corner with the album. A referee stands at the ready to press play, as Omega Warrior and Chunk Chogan approach to the applause of the stadium full of people*
Ted McFakon: *on an overhead speaker* Are you READY TO RUUUMMBBLLEEEE!?!?
*More applause, and Omega Warrior climbs into the ring. The referee hits play on the cd player and steps away as a bell dings*
Omega Warrior: I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOUR SYMPHONIES, MURKYU! I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BODY, THE OMEGA WARRIOR BREATHES PAIN, EATS DESTRUCTION, DEFECATES FIERCE BRUTALITY AND RAGE!
Ted McFakon: Ohh! It appears Murkyu’s ‘Circuited Iron Soup’ attack just surprised The Omega Warrior with a furious launch of breaks, beats and kicks!
Omega Warrior: OWWW!
Chunk Chogan: Warrior! Tag me in brother!
Ted McFakon: Omega Warrior has tagged Chunk Chogan in, and it looks like Glasscarpenter just entered the ring as well… could it be that he’s gearing up to perform his signature ‘Humming Ruins Of Heaven’!?
Chunk Chogan: What is that noise brother!? It sounds like a swarm of bees in the Chunk’s brain! Aaargh!
Ted McFakon: Glasscarpenter is pummeling Chunk with a barrage of filtered breaks and charming vocal clips; he’s like some kind of unstoppable machine!
Chunk Chogan: I can’t take anymore, aaaagh!
Ted McFakon: The severity of Glasscarpenter’s beating just increased exponentially! The unbeatable Chunk Chogan seems to be getting stomped, folks! Oh, the humanity!!! Chunk is running to go tag his partner Omega Warrior in but Glasscarpenter keeps kicking him in the ass! Now he seems to be whistling at him in his deep gruff voice, and even more strangely it looks like all of the electronics in the building are malfunctioning.
Chunk Chogan: Warrior! You’re in brother!
Ted McFakon: Both sets of combatants have switched again, we’ll see if the Warrior has any better luck this time dealing with Murkyu!
Omega Warrior: YOU MAKE OMEGA WARRIOR MAD WITH YOUR STRANGE TECHNIQUE AND I WILL PUNISH YOU HARD WITH MY STRENGTH, YOU HAVE MESSED UP BIG TIME AND…
Ted McFakon: … oh, but it looks like Murkyu is preparing his infamous ‘Kekkan (Final Mix)’. This should be a stunner!
Omega Warrior: … I WILL SHOW YOU HOW IT FEELS TO BE DAMAGED BY THE WARRIOR WITH MY… OW OW OW!!!
Ted McFakon: Oooh, Murkyu just took out The Omega Warriors shins with that attack! It looks like he’s down on the ground clutching himself! Murkyu is relentless, bringing a frenetic beatdown of quick kicks, smacks, and distorted rumbling electronoise! I don’t think The Warrior is coming back from that.
Omega Warrior: STOP HURTING WARRIOR!!! I GIVE UP!!!
*Omega Warrior rolls off the mat and hobbles away toward the backstage doors. Chunk Chogan then gets into the ring as Glasscarpenter returns*
Chunk Chogan: You dun goofed brother. Your pathetic ‘Attic Experiment’ attack, with it’s rhythmic ambient slapping is just gonna bounce off my ripped muscles. You better run away now brother while you still can!
Ted McFakon: Chunk looks confident, but it sounds like Glasscarpenter is bringing out some serious bass. Still, his attacks aren’t doing anything to Chunk, but… wait… what’s this!?
Chunk Chogan: Aggh!
Ted McFakon: Glasscarpenter just unleashed an onslaught of hardcore breaks! Somehow, Chunk’s still standing… oh, and it sounds like Glasscarpenter is losing steam! He’d better tag in Murkyu!
Chunk Chogan: I’m not afraid of you either, Murkyu brother. You ready to throw down or are you too scared?!
Ted McFakon: Uh oh! Chunk had better not get too cocky, because it looks like Murkyu is winding up with one of his most devastating moves, the ‘Happoperkele’!
Chunk Chogan: Your silly little acid sounds aren’t doing much to me, brother.
Ted McFakon: Murkyu appears to be stomping on the arena mat! And wait… is that a UFO!?
*a UFO enters the arena, abducting Chunk Chogan as if it is under the command of Murkyu*
Ted McFakon: I don’t know what I’ve just seen here tonight, folks, but it’s been crazy… and it looks like Murkyu and Glasscarpenter are the winners! That means we have two new champions of the WWYIKISF! That’s how you do a versus album! Congratulations, here are your belts, gentlemen! And to those of you at home, be sure to hear the whole thing yourselves at the link at the bottom of your screen!