The Tidswell Noise Collective – Séance At Orb Studios (None)

The Tidswell Noise Collective - Séance At Orb Studios

*disembodied voice* Ah, hello! Come in! Welcome to the album art for Séance At Orb Studios, by The Tidswell Noise Collective. You’re a bit late, and we’d almost started without you. You can have a seat right there. Allow me to introduce you to our other guests. To your far left is Sir Halfaface and seated next to him is Mr. Humbug. Beside him is his lover, the Lady Arachne, and she is uncomfortably sat beside Professor Loony. At center you’ll see Miss Wackadoo and, next to her, the Duke Dumbington. To the right of him is sat the depressing Kurt Mudgeon and to the far right… well, we won’t address him just yet… *evil laughs*

Artists: The Tidswell Noise Collective
Title: Séance At Orb Studios
Label: Artapes
Cat#: None
Keywords: Experimental, Retro Futurism, Electronic
Reviewer: Alex Spalding, the Others

*the disembodied voice continues*

We’re almost ready to begin the séance at Yeah I Know It’s Supernatural headquarters. Each of you must take the hands of the persons seated next to you…

Miss Wackadoo: Can you feel it? The presence of… another?

Mr. Humbug: Sorry, Miss Wackadoo, but I sense nothing but a roomful of losers with a pathetic hope that the ghosts of the deceased will appear, to restore some semblance of faith in their dreary, miserable lives.

Professor Loony: I’m a chicken, bawk bawkah.

Duke Dumbington: Oh, but Mr. Humbug… do you not believe in an afterlife?

Mr. Humbug: Pah!

Sir Halfaface: He’s right, this is silly…

Kurt Mudgeon: … and, probably a waste of money. I think I’d like to leave.

Lady Arachne: Please stay… you brought us here, after all. I want to see for myself if this is real, if we can truly speak to the dead…

Miss Wackadoo: And see you shall… I will now begin the communication with the dead: ahhvaah–cahmahjahlahrahm! PajamabananAH!

*Miss Wackadoo, with her foot, hits the play button on a cd player beneath the table and then uses her knee to make the table jump*

Everyone: AAAAAGHGHGH!!!

*’Logotone (Confusion)’ begins to play*

Miss Wackadoo: Ah, yes… hear the strange, white noise… the bouncy spirit orbs can be heard along the walls…

*’Round Table Séance’ begins to play*

Lady Arachne: *Shrieks*

Mr. Humbug: Lady! Please stop that shrill screaming of yours!

Professor Loony: Synthesizers… kaossilators…

Duke Dumbington: What is a… synthesizer?

Sir Halfaface: Gibberish. Professor Loony is not all here, you know? *taps on head*

Kurt Mudgeon: Right, good to know…

Miss Wackadoo: Ah, but you all hear them? The voices of the dead?

Sir Halfaface: Does… does anyone else smell cheese and beer?

Kurt Mudgeon: I do…

Duke Dumbington: As do I!

Mr. Humbug: Nonsense…

*’Logotone (Bemusement)’ begins to play, as we leave the scene of the room for a moment, to a scene of several demonic entities in Hades sitting around a board with the letters Ajiuo written on it in infernal script.*

Demon 1: So, using this board we can communicate with humans?

Demon 2: What is a human, anyway?

Demon 3: A very strange creature… it is said that all the new demons come from a world called earth where they were once human. Most say it’s just superstition… but, using the Ajiuo board, we can contact their world for our amusement.

Demon 1: Whatever, this is silly.

Demon 4: I agree, but I’ve done this before and it was a lot of fun!

Demon 3: Here… all of you, place your nails against the board…

*back in the room…*

Miss Wackadoo: Wait… I feel… a terrible presence…

Lady Arachne: *screams*

Professor Loony: Doo doo! DOO!

Kurt Mudgeon: What the devil!?!?

*’Touching The Void’ begins to play…*

Miss Wackadoo: Deemmoooonnnss!! Bla-blah… bloood!

Mr. Humbug: Seriously, please stop with the theatrics Miss Wackadoo! I certainly am hearing some strange noises… screaming, burbling, ghastly things… but this is nothing supernatural!

*’Still Raw’ plays…*

Lady Arachne: *shrieks*

Mr. Humbug: Stop screaming already!!!

Sir Halfaface: Yes, please, you’re making this more tense than it needs to be!

Lady Arachne: I–I’m sorry. I just have a phobia of low, warbling noises, hiccups, children laughing, stereophonic bass drops, noise percussion, drones, loons and lush harmonic chords, when they’re all combined. It gives me quite a scare!

Kurt Mudgeon: … you’re starting to sound like Professor Loony…

Professor Loony: Very wonderful synthetic textures here, yes… yes, pure bliss, amazing how these minimal vibes wrap themselves around my head.

Kurt Mudgeon: … see my point?

*Then, ‘Logotone (The Fair Folk)’ plays… we leave to a room in which several fairies sit chatting around a board upon which is written Ojoujuwauo.*

Fairy 1: Hey, let’s use the Ojoujuwauo Board and mess with the minotaurs by pretending to be astronauts again!

Fairy 2: Hmmm… that was fun yesterday, but… oh, I know! Let’s use it to pretend to be pizza trolls and play a prank on the ogres!

Princess Fairy: Nay, nay… I elect that we should pretend to be clowns and scare the dragons.

Fairies 1 &2: Yeah!!!

*The next track, ‘Passage’, plays as we return to the scene in the room*

Miss Wackadoo: Umhaaawhawaaaaa…

Professor Loony: Wow, very strange electro-acoustics, like digital sound manipulation akin to analog tape stretching… clipped up electronic grooves, too… repetitive synthetic whistles…

Sir Halfaface: *whispering to Mr. Humbug* Is he… going to be alright? Will we be alright… I don’t know if I feel comfortable sharing a room with this fruitbat…

Mr. Humbug: *whispering* I’m sure we’ll be fine… it’s Miss Wackadoo I’m worried about…

Miss Wackadoo: Yesss… hear the spirits call out… they’re telling us… saying that they miss our world of warmth and flesh…

Professor Loony: *mumbling* hrmm… genteel superfluisms… Pac-Man noises… like an arcade… arcadia… trumpet in a wide room…

*Then plays ‘Contact Made’, as we return to the demons…*

Demon 2: So… what’s your name? *moves fingers along the Ajiuo board*

A Voice From Beyond: psst, hey, I’m in a room, hidden in the shadows so no one notices I’m in the room with them… who is this???

Demon 2: What is that supposed to mean?

Demon 1: It’s not supposed to mean anything.

Demon 3: Look, uh, you’re doing it wrong. Don’t waste time asking questions, but see if you can find the presence of a body in the other space and try to re-possess it.

The Voice From Beyond: Hey… are you still there… hey!? Can you help me out?

Demon 2: I dunno… I’m kind of curious… should I ask it what it wants?

Demon 3: Well… sure, I guess.

Demon 2: *coughs* … ahem, um… human… what is it you desire?

The Voice From Beyond: Well, uh… I’m kind of at this séance right now and was hoping for a demon to talk to about, um… making a pact, ah… like, I was wanting fame and fortune, so is there, uh… anything we can do here?

Demon 3: *whispering* shit, dude, this is perfect! Tell him to let you have his immortal soul and that you’ll give him what he wants, then try to jump in and possess him when you sense where he’s at in the other dimension!

Demon 2: Awesome, yeah, haha… ok, ok… *coughs* Um… alright, mortal, I will give you what you ask for, but in return I will need… your immortal soul.

The Voice From Beyond: Oh… uh, yeah, ok, sure, whatever you want. So, um… when can I expect the fame and fortune to–

Demon 2: Got ’em!!! *zoooooooooooooooooom*

*we return to the room, while ‘Contact Made’ continues to play (about halfway through)*

A Voice From The Shadowy Corner: AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhh!!! *spitting* Wuh-wuh… whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggghhh!!! It’s Chunk Chogan, gonna body slam ya!!! *flips table*

Kurt Mudgeon: H–hey, what are you doi–eaaaagh!!

*Chunk Chogan powerslams Kurt Mudgeon*

Lady Arachne: Oh! Let’s get out of here!

Mr. Humbug: Right behind you… I’ve had enough of this madness!

*the others flee as ‘Re-Constituting After A Psychosis’ plays…*

Chunk Chogan: Alas… my friends have left… but, as you hear the whistle upon the wind, and the low dirge of robots echoing in the darkness… you can be sure that the world shall feel my muscular grip. I will challenge all who stand in my way, to be the very best… pro wrestler in the world! Before you, lies a link to my demonic strength…

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