… dude, it’s a kitty cat. Hey, cat… haha…
Artist: Blastculture
Title: Remain Relaxed
Label: Sirona-Records
Cat#: Siro733
Keywords: Drum & Bass, Other
Reviewer: Alex Spalding
Hey, what’s up? Welcome to the most relaxed music review on the web, dudes and dudettes. Have a seat, if you want. We’ve got plenty around. We paid some people to fill this place with sofas, beanbag chairs… I wouldn’t sit in that wooden chair over there in the corner, though. We were all sitting in that one for a few weeks and it got kinda wobbly, so we just threw it over there. I mean… you can sit in it if you want. It’s cool.
There’s only one rule in this review: it’s whatever, man.
Can I get you to get someone to get you a brewski? I’d get up, but I’m just so… *yawn*. Sorry, what was I saying? Oh, right. It’s pretty chill here. You’ll get used to the laid-back atmosphere. Sometimes I just like to stare off into the beach… oh, no, there’s no water near here. I was talking about that poster in the bathroom across from the toilet, with the swimsuit model. I thought it would kind of open the place up, y’know? Seaside view.
Anyway, I’m supposed to talk about some music or something, but I have to stretch out first. I can’t review anything without a good stretch, otherwise my word game is off. I should probably eat something, too, but I’m just like… meh. Usually I’ll kill a couple hours with some tv, maybe play a videogame, smoke a bowl… just to get my head straight for writing a review. Then, I’ll take a quick nap… after that, it’s usually time for a shit. Then I check the fridge to see if anyone got any food and then…
.. what were we supposed to be doing? Maybe you should put on the music, we’ll see if that helps.
‘INTROito’ is the first track. It sounds like something’s dripping in the sink, and there are some orchestra stabs. Yeah, this is kind of groovy and weird, really tripping up my head space.
Then it’s ‘EPISODE N°1’, which sounds like there’s something wrong with the tv. Maybe we should call Scooby Doo… oh, wait, Scooby Doo was a dog, man, he can’t answer the phone. How did anyone even get a hold of those guys? Anyway, this sounds more like Drum n Bass than the last thing did, with robot voices and a fast pace. I can dig Drum n Bass… it goes so fast that it almost sounds like it’s going really slow, when you think about it. Whoa, now it sounds like a train whistle coming right for us! The groove is back… and now it sounds like someone took down the volume. Maybe somebody called the cops while they were recording.
Next up is ‘FROM OUTER SPACE’. You know who else was from outer space, dude? The people who built the pyramids… yeah, you know, there was this whole thing I watched about it, how they were like… trying to do something, like make the sun hit all the walls at an angle to illuminate, uh… the crypts of the pharoahs or something. Nah, it was all scientific, dude. Anyway, this is my space jam, for sure. Thick D&D grooves… haha, sorry, I mean D&B, I’m always getting those confused. There’s voice samples, skittery drums, weird sounds floating around. It’s definitely pretty chill.
Whoa, this next track, ‘OUToscatto’ is pretty wild. There’s all kinds of noises… it’s really messing with me. I can’t tell what’s happening, but it’s really fast, buzzing by… it sounds like it’s going away now…
… by the way, dude, you didn’t happen to see where I put that link, did you? Man, they’re gonna be so pissed if I lost it somewhere. Shit, I’d better find it… try looking under the sofa, and I’ll try looking in the couch cushions. It’s gotta be around here somewhere…
https://archive.org/details/siro733Blastculture-RemainRelaxed
… oh, duh, there it is. Thanks, man. You wanna watch Seinfeld reruns?
Yeah I Know It Sucks 