Madonna – Rebel Heart

1Artist: Madonna
Title: Rebel Heart
Genre: pop
Reviewed by: Perez Holtin & dinner guest Alexandra Spaldina

Normally we would review music over here, but today we thought it would be time to review some food instead. Of course we are not going to a cheap burger joint and write a piece about how bad the hamburger was, but instead went to a famous celebrity ten star restaurant named ‘Material Girl’ at the end of Hollywood boulevard. Here we reserved a seat for two and without any problems me and food date for the night (Alexandria Spaldina) were kindly seated at a clean table with nicely arranged tools of eating on top of it. Without too much waiting, the perfectly tuxedo wearing waiter asked what we wanted to drink and gave us the well acclaimed menu card.

Lady Gaga Meat, Meat Loaf’s Meat Loaf, Sting’s Stingray soup, Justin Timberlake cake, Ozzy Osbourne’s raw Bat-burger & Beck’s beef… The list of posh eating possibilities was long and endless; it all looked and sounded good…

I ordered a glass of Marilyn Manson’s blood, while Alexandria Spaldina asked for a pint of Carrot Top juice. In the time that passes by when waiting for our drinks to arrive we both went our separate ways looking through the menu of the restaurant. What would we eat, what shall we review for the readers at home? The prices for every meal on this menu were like a year’s wages, so we quickly decided that we would share a meal to deal with the situation in a reasonable financial way. Alexandria Spaldina refused to eat every vegetarian meal on the menu, and we couldn’t quite get our minds together in order to find one meal that we both thought would be nice in the mouth, and also interesting enough on paper.

By the time that the waiter came back with our ordered drinks, our confused faces might have looked like they could use some help from a restaurant employee. The waiter asked if we had decided our meal yet, and by receiving only a confused stare he wisely recommended us to try the ‘special of the day’: Madonna’s Rebel Heart.

Hmm, that sounded good, in fact me and Alexandra Spaldina licked our bearded faces just thinking how delicious this meal would be. This ‘Rebel Heart’ sounds so tender, so juicy, so well-seasoned; this was the thing we wanted to place our teeth in and fill our bellies up with. We ordered one Madonna’s Rebel Heart for share and started sipping from our drinks while the multi-talented group of food producing cooks could be heard preparing our delicate order in the kitchen. My Marilyn Manson blood drink had a very fresh after taste, a bit like mango juice with chopped up strawberries. It wasn’t what I expected it to be, but it was delicious and quite refreshing. Alexandra Spaldina’s Carrot Top drink was pretty much the most orange colored drink I had ever seen, but according to the moaning sounds that my table partner made; it was pretty good stuff for a drink.

Not very long later, the ‘Madonna’s Rebel Heart’ was brought on to the table. It looked grotesque, like a diva on a porcelain plate laid down on lots of salad leaves for posh decoration purposes. It smelled like it came fresh from the oven, obviously completely rubbed in with seasoning and Kabbalah prayers, just to make it not only a feast for the eyes, but also one for our holy noses. Without further hesitation Alexandra Spaldina made a vogue pose and went to work with a knife and fork to cut the whole rebel heart in two big pieces. One was placed on my plate, and the other Alexandra Spaldina placed on his.

Hmmm this smells and looked so good, I can’t wait to tell all our readers all about it. It’s almost like smelling a virgin, and now we are going to eat it for the first time… Alexandra Spaldina sniffed the content on his plate as if it was a fine wine and licked the surface of his part of the rebel heart as if it was a sexual object. Without further hesitation we both chomped down our equal share of Madonna’s rebel heart. With every bite we would moan from delight, mumble out small praising praises like ‘hallelujah’ and ‘delicious!’ Other things that slipped our lips were entire out-of-the -blue sentences like ‘Jesus loves my pussy best’ and ‘bitch this is Madonna’s rebel heart that we are eating’. Trust me it was less awkward when it came out of our mouths when eating this magnificent meal, but I guess for reviewing purposes we can’t leave important things outside this culinary Recommendation.

Once the complete rebel heart was no more, and we had wiped our happy smirks with a piece of table cloth we really could talk freely how we felt after eating this super star meal. Alexandra Spaldina said that he really enjoyed his part of the Rebel Heart although he had almost chocked accidentally while biting on a Diplo piece. I hardly had noticed Alexandra Spaldina’s struggle as I was basically enjoying Madonna’s rebel heart way too much. No need for an extra sniff of salt; these guys in the kitchen really did a good job; they certainly earned their stars…

Of course eating such an exclusive novelty meal isn’t something you will do every day; there are simply not enough Madonnas in the world to provide rebel hearts to feed the rich restaurant goers of this classy joint. So with this I would like to say that enjoy Rebel Heart with a mate, but not overdo it; leave some for the others and perhaps the price is a bit too high for everyone to enjoy. Other than that I thought that the overall dinner experience was quite successful; the rebel heart was well cooked as no blood spatters had been leaking out, and it was just like how it smelled; well-seasoned, still quite flexible and tender.

As a dessert we ate the boner of Bono, which wasn’t so good; but still okay enough with the knowledge that (because of our menu-choice) there will be no new mini Bono’s made in the near future.

With love,
Perez Holtin

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