Various Artists – EurNoVision 2016

Artist: Various
title:EurNoVision 2016
keywords: alternative

Welcome, welcome! Ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls and all others! We are gathered here today for the 2016 edition of the contest show that we all have been waiting for! Welcome at Euronovision 2016!!!

17 countries are being represented by fabulous and incredible misfits, doing their ultimate best to do their geographical location of origin justice, by honoring it with their best music performances! It’s going to be a extreme show, people! We never had seen a Euronovision so fully packed with high quality originals & one of a kind artists!

Of course like every year, the organization claims that every candidate and every country being represented by them is already a winner! It’s true, everyone here performing on stage tonight is a winner! Yet we go against the organizing organizers their peaceful ideas and turn this event in a exciting contest with one super winner among all the other winners! Isn’t it exciting? Will this choosing of a super winner will be a source for jealous looks, behind the scenes nasty talk, another brexit? Who knows, we don’t care as we are all for the ratings!!

For this contest we have eliminated the option for the audience and the people at home to vote & decided to go for a more dictatorial approach; a jury of four talented & incredible truthful members of society! First of all we have the gorgeous looking Alexandra Spaldina who is an author & a authority of rhythm. She loves rhythm so much that it will hard to trick her if there isn’t any rhythm at all.. Alexandra will solidly judge the rhythms of these acts on a scale of 5, with 5 the best rhythm and 1 a terrible rhythm! Are you ready Alexandra?

Alexandra: I’m so ready! I have learned and studied all my life to be the rhythm judge in the Euronovision contest!

Next to her we have the legendary acrobat Aarstriaan Van Tor, famous for his circus show and television series with his brother Hashie Van Tor. He will judge the stunts and visual performances on a similar scale except he can give the act up to 10 points! Why? Because life isn’t fair and its in his contract; he would only appear on the show if he could give more points than any other jury! So Aarstriaan, how are you feeling? Are you ready for today’s show?

Aarstriaan: I had to lock my brother up in the caravan just to be sure he won’t disturb the show by taking it over, but all worked out and I’m very ready! Excited to see and hear all the acts!

Next to Aarstriaan we have Linda the head of comment look a like! She might not be the real official head of comment but a fake copy made in China, she still is the best Linda head of comment available at the moment! She will of course comment on things that would give her reasons to comment on & give the acts a similar point for being commendable commentary material. 1 would be an act that is difficult to comment on, while 5 would be an act that Linda would be able to talk forever comments on… how are you feeling Fake Linda?

Fake Linda: nothing to comment at the moment, but thank you for asking.

Next to her we have Johan Nederpella who doesn’t need no introduction! He is the technical aspect of the show, responsible for the famous random page link on the platform that you are now & of course just at home in noise as in classical music. Johan will judge the actual music! How cool is that?

Johan Nederpella: ….

Also Johan will use the scale of 1 to 5, because that’s easy to count on one hand… as a bonus jury and special guest we have Andy Warhol resurrected! Give him a warm applause people!

|insert applause\

Thank you Andy for being here as a special guest jury member! How are you?

Andy Warhol: uh, yes.

Are you excited about the show?

Andy Warhol: uh, no.

What have you been doing all these years?

Andy Warhol: uh, yes.

So Andy, you will be judging the pop art factor in each candidate, right?

Andy Warhol: uh, yes.

Okay… well it’s an honor to have you and Alexandria, Aarstriaan, Fake Linda & Johan Nederpella as the critical jury today judging the Euronovision songfestival 2016!! I am your warm loving host ‘KN’ and wish you all a happy ride and to all the candidates; a really good show!

The first one who bites of the dust is ‘The Gathering Doubt’ representing The United Kingdom! Oh gosh the audience here have lots of U.K. Flags and the exciting roars are almost deaf-making! The Gathering Doubt will bring a song named Christmas Is Broken! Let’s rumble!

*the representatives of the United Kingdom are doing its thing*

Oh wow! That was an unexpected but amazing opening! The whole stage had become instantly decorated in the Christmas spirit, a cute loving singing Santa on his sleigh, elves playing their cute plinge-plongs; a choir of sentiment and Christmas lights; what an intimate start & what a lovely way to cover the world’s issue of a broken Christmas! Let’s see what the jury thinks…

Alexandra Spaldina: (rhythm) I will give it a 5 because I’m neutral about this one.

Aarstriaan Van Tor: (performance) the grand decor, the magical lightings, the movements of the elves on the nock of the ceiling… of course I give this a high 7!

Fake Linda: (comment-ability) there is only so much to comment on, first of all the singing; it couldn’t be more adorable. Than the subject; why is Christmas broken? The clothes and costume choice and the lack of a big beat; yes lots to talk… a 4 from me!

Johan Nederpella: (the music) also a 5 from me.

Andy Warhol: (pop art) uh, yes.

Thank you Jury! 3, 7, 4, 5 and a uh, Yes for The United Kingdom!

Next up is J.G.G. representing Catalonia! How great is that? Let’s start the show!!

*the representative for Catalonia doing their thing*

Oh my goodness! What a show! What a fun music, the amazing folk dancers dressed as gigantic caterpillars, the sunny dressed waiters giving away free tequila shots to the studio audience! Wish it would never ended! What do you think dear Jury?

Alexandra Spaldina: (rhythm) oh I love the rhythm here, very nice and wobbly a big 5 from me!

Aarstriaan Van Tor: (performance) well it was nice too see however I would have liked to see more action. Also I would have liked a tequila shot too… I will give it a 6, okay?

Fake Linda: (comment-ability) fun! A 5 give for me even though I have no idea what to comment on it.. I don’t care!

Johan Nederpella: (the music) a 5.

Andy Warhol: (pop art) uh, yes?

So a 5, 6, 5, 5 and a yes for Catalonia!
Congratulations, Isn’t it exciting?

Next up is Il Culo Di Mario representing Italy with their strategic tune Statega! An act I’ve veel looking forward to see and hear! Good luck Italy!!

*the representatives of Italy doing its thing*

Oh gosh! I’m so stoked and happy! This band just rocked the house with unclassified class, it’s as if they just popped up from a nearby camping and just hopped on stage like nothing depends on it! Their freedom is super infectious I think! What is your opinion dear Jury?

Alexandra Spaldina: (rhythm) so much fun! Yes and a good rhythm too! A most pleasant 5!

Aarstriaan Van Tor: (performance) well in my point of view it could use some guiding, but I come from a long family tradition of circus acts, so from a circus artist point of view it’s difficult to grasp the untidiness of the act; no fancy decoration, no sword swallowing or pie throwing… however i might be not the right person to judge this from my circus discipline point of view… I’ll be nice and go for a 6

Fake Linda: (comment-ability) oh I love them, I’ve followed them on the legendary Yeah I Know It Sucks site, loves their videos & this is lots of fun too; a big fat 5

Johan Nederpella: (the music) I join her.

Andy Warhol: (pop art) uh, yes!

So that’s a uh, yes three times five and a six from the traditional acrobat.. (21) that means we have a shared number one at the moment!

Let’s continue the show with France! France is being represented by Marie Mathématique and the song L’homme-élephant! Enjoy!

*the representative of France doing its thing*

Oh my gosh, what a show and what a performance! The entire stage featuring a gigantic Eiffel Tower, a moulin rouge and a backdrop painted by Monet. The words song by Marie Mathématiwue is amazing; she is just as easy to sing as a woman as a man & even at the same time! The audience was super impressed! The music was unmistakable French and had a psychedelic feel with organ, bass & roll drum… really impressive! What does the jury think?

Alexandra Spaldina: (rhythm) I was thinking how I would like a glass of French wine and a cigarette… but the rhythm of this show? Definitely a 5! Love how it rolls..

Aarstriaan Van Tor: (performance) the decor was fantastic, but they could have moved a little bit more.. yet the special surprise with the voice convinced me enough to give it a 6.

Fake Linda: (comment-ability) I really like how they covered and represented France. Definitely a 5 for me.

Johan Nederpella: (the music) a 5.

Andy Warhol: (pop art) uh, no?

Next country? Sweden!! Sweden is represented by Ett Nytt Liv! The song that they are going to perform for us I’m not able to pronounce so please forgive me and move on with the show! Here is Ett Nytt Liv for Sweden!!

*representative for Sweden doing its thing*

… wow, I was severely stunned by this moment of monumental talent. What a relaxed performance, such a delightful case of music mastering. The simplicity of pure music and mellow melody really left a long lasting impression on me… what are your thoughts dear Jury?

Alexandra Spaldina: (rhythm) the sound for the rhythm is fairly odd, but making sense and highly original; 5

Aarstriaan Van Tor: (performance) no, I liked the music but the show wasn’t ready for the circus. A 6

Fake Linda: (comment-ability) I think it was wonderful although this kind of music makes me pretty much speechless. So comment wise I would say a 5

Johan Nederpella: (the music) a 5

Andy Warhol: (pop art) uh, yes?

Next up is AWOTT representing Russia!! They are very well known, especially highly regarded for their music as well as their spectacular outfits so we are probably in for a spectacular show! Give a big applause for AWOTT and Russia!!

*representative of Russia doing its thing*

Amazing! Amazing! Formidable! Incredible! What a show! They for sure didn’t disappoint , their costumes are overwhelming their performance intriguing! Absolutely stunned! What do you think of it Jury?

Alexandra Spaldina: (rhythm) well I wasn’t very impressed rhythm wise but the costumes for sure made up for it. In fact I believe the costumes made it harder for them to create the rhythm so I give them a 2, please don’t kill me.

Aarstriaan Van Tor: (performance)
Oh definitely a 9! What a show what a content! What a brilliant arty fatty big boom performance!

Fake Linda: (comment-ability) I agree with the host; so much work must have been gone in creating this excellent show. The clothes, the particular dancing, the mysterious language.. I’m very impressed: a 5 for me!

Johan Nederpella: (the music) a 5.

Andy Warhol: (pop art) uh, yes?


Well what a show, what a novision! What’s next you might ask? Well it’s nothing better than Belgium! The land of beer, cigarettes and chocolate! But also of Mr Diagonal’s Midlife Crisis who will perform ‘Glad to be a Freak @ 40’! Give it up for Belgium!!

*representative for Belgium doing its thing*

Haha! Bravo! Bravo!! What a great song and such a funny classy performance! Loving the gigantic clown shoes! The chalky Chaplin walking stick and haha the song! So passionate and real! It makes me want to be 40 years of age just so I can share this song on my birthday!! I love it!! How is your judgement dear Jury?

Alexandra Spaldina: (rhythm) it’s a difficult one but I would say a 4 for the rhythm.

Aarstriaan Van Tor: (performance) a big fat 7 from me! Love the humor, the clothes, the dance and the fearless performance; very entertaining!

Fake Linda: (comment-ability) oh I love it so much… me too, the whole song makes me want to go on a philosophical rampage so I give it definitely a 5

Johan Nederpella: (the music) a 5

Andy Warhol: (pop art) uh, yes?

Oh gosh! Oh my heavens! What a night, what an exciting competition! I’ve totally lost count with the score so it is going to be an extra surprise! Next country is Portugal!! Represented by the one and only Rita Braga!! Her song Erosão will be the weapon on this battle field of the stars! Let’s give a warm applause for Portugal’s Rita Braga!!

*representative of Portugal doing its thing*


…ah I’m sorry ladies and gentlemen and everyone else… I was simply mesmerized by this wonderful song by Rita.. what a lovely moment in the show and such a magical voice and sweet music.. I’m fairly impressed… still dreaming! What do you think dear jury?

Alexandra Spaldina: (rhythm) a 5… simply because I forgot all about the rhythm…

Aarstriaan Van Tor: (performance) a simple but well earned 6 from me for the performance. It was just her with schmink on in a decorative setting, but sometimes minimalism is all you need to capture an audience.. and she did capture the audience 400 percent!

Fake Linda: (comment-ability) well what can I say… I had no idea… but if I wouldn’t have known better I would have thought that Portugal was sounding a bit French.. amazing and lots of food to talk about I guess.. a 5 from me?

Johan Nederpella: (the music) a 5

Andy Warhol: (pop art) uh, no?

Next up is R.A.N. who is representing Turkey! The performance is called The Old One and I’m curious what the hell Turkey is going to do for us tonight.. rumors go that it’s going to be amazing… put your hands together for Turkey!

*representative for Turkey doing its thing*

Oh boy, oh girl… stunned! They certainly didn’t lie when they promised us something special! What a inspiring original performance! Never ever have we heard or seen anything like this on the Euronovision contest before! Amazing!
The lights and the steam machine.. so amazing! What do you think dear jury?

Alexandra Spaldina: (rhythm) rhythm? What rhythm? It was a continues flow… a 3 from me…

Aarstriaan Van Tor: (performance) … I’m sorry I had to go to the toilet.. I’ve completly missed the show.. To make it up i give it a 8!

Fake Linda: (comment-ability) it was for sure very original, probably the ones that will come out the most originality wise.. it’s also very daring.. just to leave the stage empty and full it up with smoke and laser beams.. I don’t know it certainly gives lots of points for conversation… a 5 from me.

Johan Nederpella: (the music) a 5.

Andy Warhol: (pop art) uh, no?

Good lord what a great show and how exciting every act has been so far! Can’t wait for the next one which is Can Can Heads for Finland! The Can Can Heads will specially for you do material named Efekto Black Ice! It can’t sound anymore finlandish then this, right! Enjoy Finland!

*representatives of Finland doing their thing*

oh shit! I don’t know about you at home but I certainly hadn’t expect this! Can Can Heads canned our heads and canned it good!

Alexandra Spaldina: (rhythm) a 5 because it’s a Finnish rhythm.

Aarstriaan Van Tor: (performance) I love the Viking theme in this show, the boat, the throwing of the spears and the wild people dressed as bears.. pretty impressive! A 8!

Fake Linda: (comment-ability) I thought it was so so. I mean when it was all said and done I wouldn’t know what to say about it. A 3 from me. Sorry.

Johan Nederpella: (the music) a 5

Andy Warhol: (pop art) uh, no?

Fake Linda: are you sure, Andy?

Andy Warhol: uh, no?

Fake Linda: so it would be a yes?

Andy Warhol: uh, yes?

French Radio Constellation is up next and this constellation is surprisingly not representing France but nothing less than Ireland! Let’s give them a great applause! Ireland everybody! Ireland!

*representative of Ireland doing its thing*

Oh oh I’m so sorry people, I completely had forgotten to let you know the title of the song that the representatives of Finland just had done… but if you listened carefully you probably heard the title a fine amount of times! The wires and buckets full of water on stage was a great gimmick, especially love the fact that the singer showed up in a diving costume! What is your professional verdict dear jury?

Alexandra Spaldina: (rhythm) a 5 because it got a funny rhythm and I’m reasonably drunk at the moment.

Aarstriaan Van Tor: (performance) what performance? The diving men? The person in the background getting electrocuted? I give it a six.

Fake Linda: (comment-ability) a 5 for me, just because it was silly and funny and I never thought to think about a subject of the internet getting wet..

Johan Nederpella: (the music) a 5

Andy Warhol: (pop art) uh, yes?

What’s next you might ask? Think cows, cheese, pills, green leaves and wooden shoes! Yes, ladies and gentlemen! The Netherlands!! Represented by the legendary legend among legends Logosamphia! Big up for the Netherlands!

*representative of the Netherlands doing its thing*

That was fun, wasn’t it? The people dressed in carton boxes, brightly painted wobbling around, the children in their cute looking pac-man costumes! This could have only be created in the Netherlands. The electronic music and the melody was extra nice with the children going into the audience giving away free taps of liquid acid.. The roof was lifted! What does the jury think?

Alexandra Spaldina: (rhythm) a most impressive number 5 ever! This got the rhythm baby!

Aarstriaan Van Tor: (performance) I’m from Dutch origin so I might be a little biased here, but the performance was of course excellent and very much outstanding. I loved to finally trip my eyes out of my skull so I could juggle with them like the acrobat I used to be!

Fake Linda: (comment-ability) I’m Dutch too.. What a coincidence.. Now we have lots of things to talk about Aarstriaan…

Aarstriaan Van Tor: which part of the Netherlands are you from? Are you too with a traveling circus?

Fake Linda: Right now I’m living in Amsterdam with a programmer of pocket calculators. But I do move around a lot.. Now I want to be a farmer.

Aarstriaan Van Tor: Follow your dreams Fake Linda, Follow your dreams!

Johan Nederpella: (the music) hey, excuse me lovers… it’s my turn. The music.. I give it a 5

Andy Warhol: (pop art) uh, no?

Thank you dear Jury for your professional opinions… next up we have Basque Country, represented by Sarah Rasines and the song Tommy Hilfiger! Are you ready to rumble? Let’s give a big cheer for Basque Country!

*the representative of Basque Country doing its thing*

…well than… that was unexpected and definitely something else! The bizarre liberation of dance performance on this excellent live sound art is one thing we haven’t seen or heard ever performed on any EurNoVision festival, it’s pretty much out of this world… I love the whole modern day ballet show and the intriguing sounds… What did the Jury think of it?

Alexandra Spaldina: (rhythm) I’m a fan of noise. I can get great joy out of that. I used to run a netlabel named noisejoy you see? But they hired me today as a judge for the rhythms and that’s a tough one to judge here. But let me not judge the rhythm of the music but more of the geography of the modern day dancing; it was phenomenal! A 4 from me!

Aarstriaan Van Tor: (performance) oh a big fatty boom boom 8! Such elegance, so much theatrical moves, it really made me think in pure nostalgia to the more artistic times in the circus. Ballet, dancing, standing on top of a rope, on the back of running horses, losing a leg in a lion’s mouth; the good old days! Besides I thought it was highly original!

Fake Linda: (comment-ability) This was quite refreshing even though I’m normally not a huge fan of ballet, this one performance in combination with the music was certainly intriguing. I would probably talk a lot about it when someone gives me the chance to do so, so let’s give it a 4 from me, okay?

Johan Nederpella: (the music) a 5.

Andy Warhol: (pop art) uh, yes?

Thank you Andy, Johan, Fake Linda, Aarstriaan and Alexandra! Oh and thank you audiences at home! Are you ready for the next country? The country an entire country had been waiting for? Germany!! Torstn Kauke will take the wonderful honor with the song ‘Warten Warten Warten’! Let’s clean the stage and give a applause to Torstn Kauke – Germany!!

*representative of Germany doing its thing*
Wow… what a lovable and identifiable performance. The whole set of a waiting room, all the individuals walking around curelessly and singing their song so politely in their native Germanic… What could Germany wish more for? What does the jury think?

Alexandra Spaldina: (rhythm) Oh, nice. Very German. A German rhythm. A 4 from me.

Aarstriaan Van Tor: (performance) a 7 from me, just because the setting and the thematic theatrical performance. It was a bit like street theatre.

Fake Linda: (comment-ability) I have this special relationship with Germany, the language and a German person… I think this song gives lots of questions and things to talk about.. so a 5 for me.

Johan Nederpella: (the music) a 5

Andy Warhol: (pop art) uh, no?

Well than we are closing towards the spectacular last bits of the EurNoVision and if one country is the one that could lift the spirit into a higher one it would be Denmark! Kold Front will be battling the other countries in honor of Denmark with a song named ‘Sov Nu’. Let’s welcome Denmark!!

*representative of Denmark doing its thing*

That was amazing! I love the whole theme, the disaster rock hinting to the cure, the whole fashion sense with gigantic poofy haircuts, black mascara and doomed lighting. Great dramatic vibes! What does the jury think?

Alexandra Spaldina: (rhythm) I love it! In fact it’s all I’ve ever craved for! 5!

Aarstriaan Van Tor: (performance) I didn’t really understood it, it was just a band playing, no circus act or acrobats. A 2 from me… sorry.

Fake Linda: (comment-ability) This brings lots of memories & makes me want to dress up! What a great gothic vibe that is still positively. A 5 from me.

Johan Nederpella: (the music) oh fuck it! I say no to the rules and give this a big 9!

Andy Warhol: (pop art) uh, yes!

Of course next up is Serbia! Represented by EPP with their specially created tune performance with ‘Hologram’. Let’s give them a round applause! EPP for Serbia!!

*representative for Serbia doing its thing*

My gosh! That was short but fun! The whole audience simple got stunned by the flashy lights and the special holograms performing instead of humans! Technically amazingly impressive! The future!! Serbia could be proud! What does the jury think?

Alexandra Spaldina: (rhythm)Fun a 5!

Aarstriaan Van Tor: (performance) never seen anything like it! But still because it was all holograms I will give it a 6… It’s just the fairest thing to do..

Fake Linda: (comment-ability) It was so very technical, I love how technical it is. It is like a next level Gorillas performance… Amazing.. I think I could talk about it for at least 10 minutes, which is impressive for such a short performance. A 5 from me!

Johan Nederpella: (the music) a 5 from me

Andy Warhol: (pop art) uh, yes?

Okay, ladies and gentlemen.. boys and girls; the last performance and candidate of today! Poland!!! Dancing Deadlips wil take the honor with their specially made performance they named ‘You, Azure Bird’ … Let’s give a big hooray for Poland’s Dancing Deadlips!

*representative for Poland doing its thing*

That’s definitely a final! I felt like we just swallowed a normally hidden secret ritual, a poetic master piece, a shot from Eyes wide shut straight in the jungle with lots of candles and even a campfire! Great atmosphere! What did the jury think?

Alexandra Spaldina: (rhythm) A 4 from me, I felt it in my guts.

Aarstriaan Van Tor: (performance) It was spectacularly enough to make me want to give it an 8! I loved the performer swallowing the fire! The candles and the words… I was in fact overwhelmed by it.

Fake Linda: (comment-ability) I love the feeling over here, very intimate.. I feel that there is much more to it than what meets the eye… conversation worthy that’s for sure! A 4!

Johan Nederpella: (the music) a 5!

Andy Warhol: (pop art) uh, yes?

Okay dear Jury, let us put all the earned points together, calculate them all and see who will be number one of the EuroNoVision 2016!!!!

*calculating score*

Oh my gosh…

exciting isn’t it?

YES!! The results are in!! 21 points for all! Everyone is still a winner!!! AMAZING!!!
Even you at home are a winner!!! Really?? Really! Click the following link to get your price:

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2 Responses to Various Artists – EurNoVision 2016

  1. Linda says:

    I don’t know what go me more stoked. The EuroNoVison finally taking place, the quality of it not disappoint but even going over expectations, or the magnificent show-and-hosting on YIKIS. Thank you so much KN for the entertainment!! And the Fake Linda was done so well, it is that it was written that it was fake, or I would have thought I had a drink too many and forgotten all about it. Well, I expect I would have said a bit more, but then the show would become all about me instead of the great performances. So I find the Fake Linda a very good substitute!

    That having said, I have listened to the recording the whole morning already, keeping the lengthy review for after lunch. And so glad I just watched the whole show back and forth ❤ This will keep me entertained the whole (astronomical) winter. Starting tomorrow!! I have never been so happy for winter 😀 😀 😀

    _a little p.s.: been listening some nice recordings yesterday, but had no time to comment. So I will as soon as I have time. For now, I just had to comment here, yet there is so much more to comment on!! I'm all hyped now!!

  2. Pingback: interview with EPP | Yeah I Know It Sucks

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