horsegirl – if you don’t say please, you can’t have the cracker

Artist: horsegirl
Title: if you don’t say please, you can’t have the cracker
Keywords: experimental rock classical indie noise pop Gloucester
Label: life Brut
Reviewer: Simon Hit

What’s up with bands or projects named after a girl while being occupied by men? I mean there are so many of them that it’s easy to see it’s a thing. I think it’s a bit confusing, as it somehow brings false hope of some kind as to be fair, when looking at the request form it’s mainly all men, maybe one percent is the exception.. if it would be the other way around, it would be kind of funny, imagine ‘Ed Sheridan’ turning out to be a all girl band, or ‘men from mars’ a noise act by a woman. But I’ve never seen that happening, it’s only men doing such things.

Horsegirl is one of these ones thinking you are dealing with a girl horse, or at least a girl into horses. If it was a horse itself it would have been pretty much a top notch act. But let’s stop this rambling and chat about the so called music that Ethan (Guitar, Drums, Bass, Vocals, Mixing) & Everest (Guitar, Piano, Vocals) had created. … maybe they are girls – sometimes you never know with names, eh? Hum.. music!

Oh yes, the first ‘song’ is like a orgasmic wall, one of sound that is heavier than oxygen but still seems to float around like a smoker’s cloud of heavy puffing. It’s nice and warm, although probably not very good for the lungs. It’s more than 23 minutes of it, which is a good length to acclimatize to a different kind of sound world perhaps. My only fear I had the whole time was that the next track would break the magic by becoming some kind of soft rock track.. a feeling that made me refrain from fully relaxing and going in with the flow. It is probably just paranoia speaking, but it’s all honest reporting over here! Or is it?

My paranoid feelings had been right! The band immediately break the magic with a normal song that lost all the magical abilities that the first track had. It could have at least included some of this drone sound within the song, an element of noise in the track to make it a thing that makes sensible sense, but no; horsegirl broke the ice immediately just when I had big hopes to do some wicked ice skating.

The song ‘batteries’ went by like a feather, fluffing the fluff up as I sat there with a sad face of seeing my high expectations going down the drain. The second song seems to be even more dreadful, I mean it sounds like they are trying their best to sound fragile and sensitive and all that but it comes across as annoying and not all that sincere. It felt unlistenable to me. Which is odd as I think listening to a long stretched out fart soaked in distortion is pretty much listenable. Sorry Horsegirl, it feels like a drag that never ends.

Maybe 858 hysteria would be different? Nope, Doesn’t sound like my cup of tea either. It’s a personal thing probably, but it is a rare find, as I pretty much like almost everything. This just makes me feel a bit sickening? The sound of the ramblingly tight guitar and the vocal that is sharp and pretending to be all mellow and all that. I feel that the people responsible for this music must smoke more weed and drink more gin, live life a bit more before going all overboard with showcasing their sensible sides. Probably trying to impress a real life ponygirl… To be honest I feel ashamed when hearing this part of the album, so much so that I have to put the volume down just so my housemates, family and neighbors won’t think I’m into this. When the voice goes up my toes curl from disgust and I can’t believe myself that I’m refraining from going for the ‘skip’ next option. In fact I heard the whole track and feel like I’ve earned some medal for it.

Maybe I should have known, as with a title like ‘ if you don’t say please you can’t have the cracker’ you might possibly have a hint that this might not be the best thing you have ever heard. Maybe I’m wrong, it just upsets me personally this system of getting a reward for doing something they want you to do… hmm, listening to ‘Sophia’ makes me not very well either, sounds (with all due respect) to the kind of music that instantly creates diarrhea in my pants. It’s just… upsetting. I try to be really open minded but I can’t bare it, it sounds horrible. Not even in a funny way. Yeah I know we are called ‘yeah I know it Sucks’ but that doesn’t mean we are actually seeking for music that actually sucks balls.. it’s somehow meant sarcastically you see? The singing here feels worse than two cats strangling each other, even if I do truly my best: I can’t stand it… really sorry about that.

Maybe the track ‘horsegirls’ will help me out of my nightmare of having to write a negative music review / write up in years? Nah! Don’t get your hopes up, it’s more than twenty minutes of shit. It sounds pretentious, but in a kind that it seems to annoy me to the point that I can’t stand it. I might have to give up on this album before I write it completely into the ground. It is simply not going anywhere, this semi relationship with me and this music is not meant to be… I feel it’s not crap because it is, but feel it’s the pretentious kind of crap. I can’t get into it, it feels like a unlistenable album to me and with this being track 6 of the 9 tracks I think I should be able to give up and say ‘sorry’ but ‘no thanks’ this one just isn’t for me… I hate it. My honest apologies, but I can’t say it any other way.

But I won’t say it as explicitly as I have to make up the mask to appreciate any kind of music that comes my way. But I can’t like this, or say that I have loved it.. it would feel wrong and a lie… also I feel that listening to the rest of this album would be a waste of my time, making me angry somehow & this is not something I want the dear readers of this humble blog to go through.. I mean this album is simply something that sucks more than Sucks. But I have to say that in all fairness, this on its own is a pretty special and rare occasion! So if that is what the people behind horsegirl had gone for, they successfully succeeded. I’m severely annoyed! masochistic souls proceed to the following link:
https://lifebrut.bandcamp.com/album/if-you-dont-say-please-you-cant-have-the-cracker

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