Title: ShopLand World: Music for a Discovery Park of Miniature Supermarkets
Keywords: cologne electronic experimental germanyambient muzak noise supermarket musictape label vaporwave very serious Cologne
Label: Strategic Tape Reserve
Hello. Can you see me?
I’m over here.
I’m the little dot behind every sentence.
See me now?
The reason why I’m this dot is because I had to be microscopic.
I had to be as to explore the prototype of a Theme park of miniature markets.
Does this makes sense?
In any case I did go and walked around the mini markets and while there I tested out the specially designed music that had come out everywhere of the miniature PA systems.
Not that the officials of the park asked me, but as a secret undercover officer for the EU 2020 stimulants fond . I had been send out in order to check it all out and see if the park would be worth the funding!
Below is my report which will be send in to my superiors together with some other reports from other classified micro spies. My findings had been pleasant and I truly wish my reporting would results in a glorious future for this theme park. Would you like to read it? Well… if so here is your chance:
First of all I got greeted by a Nicholas Langley who immediately offered me a Prelude One, this made me feel immediately home but also quite privileged. It was almost as if the theme park owners of mini markets knew I was undercover, giving me exactly what I wanted and liked. The best warm and kindest welcome to Shopland’s entrance was one in which I felt honored as a possible customer, nicely decorated with a grand gesture of music that made the sight of many mini shops like a wonderful looking sight that you must enjoy the explore!
First shopping mall I entered was one curated and owned by Elizabeth Joan Kelly. Once in I got the surprising surprise of being tossed into what could only be described as a surreal slide into something named ‘What Penumbras’. A heaven for consumers that likes to buy psychedelic experiences from a jar by mumbling gurus that got themselves deliciously surrounded by smoke and special sound effects. It made me not only feel very enthusiastic, it also gave me a very weird feeling in my stomach; a shopping sensation like this, you simply wouldn’t even expect to happen at a well thought out shop in a chewed up Disneyland theme park… This was the impressive place that once you had found the exit again would have made such a impression that it would simply stay with you for days on end.
The next step was getting some beverages, something refreshing! Luckily Shopland World provided this too. I bought some enjoyable icecreams and licked them with delight while a fitting soundtrack of ‘Fire-Toolz – μακάρων νῆσοι「Fortunate Isles」 (MindSpring Memories – Boat Float remix)’ played in the foreground, elevating my ice-cream-lick experience into one that was warm and pleasant enough to make me lick faster, scared that the hotness would melt my likable friend before it had even landed on my tongue. The music was very special, pretty psychedelic too; making me think that these ice-creams might have been laced with something that alters the mind in order to provide a much more intense, but favorable shopping experience.
Somehow I walked accidentally somewhere in the backstage area of the theme park, stumbling in the center in which Phirnis was Stockpiling expressionistic sounds that felt highly industrial to my ears, rattling and buzzing like an impressive mechanism that kept Shopland in business no matter what! I quickly realized that I had been in the wrong area and didn’t feel completly safe without a hard helmet, so made my way back to the visitor area…
Soon I was on the way to the Bossa Nova aisle, there the hand crafted Bossa Nova sounds by Whettman Chelmets had clearly been tremendously popular, leaving a gigantic line of people all wanting to have a piece of it. Of course I needed to experience the waiting line sensation of this part of Shopland and I must say thanks to the excellent music that they provided while you wait for your turn, the entire waiting ordeal flew by very quickly.
After obtaining the highly demanded Bossa Nova, I saw that there was a praying center setup by MonoLogue, of course I went in to chill out and see if there was some kind of hope to get back to my sensible senses in this fierce shopping domain. I played and praised the lords that had setup this theme park of ultimate consumption!
After this I sneaked my way into a special meeting among Shopland board members. I had faked my way in just so I could peek and witness their strategies and research. On stage in front of a large room full of office crowd was Robert Macbeth dropping down the facts of heavy research in effect to music and on in store shopping behaviour. Robert gave a lot of examples music-wise showing what would work to make consumers happily spending their last pennies, but also played examples of what would do the opposite. The room was observant and as a representative of the European Union’s horizon 2020 funding fond, this was truly a pleasure to my eyes and ears. Shopland clearly should be giving the green go sign, as they are well researched and know exactly how to get people happily pay their taxes without even knowing it. When the meeting was over the entire group started to fanatically dance, making me convinced that they are a right team of likeminded individuals.
To not too make a fuzz I sneaked out and checked out the Orgel shop. My informers had already told me that orgel was the Dutch word for organ. Also the name of the one who run the place had been finely underlined in my notebook, it was Heejin Jang… I had been familiar with her audio work from the time that I was a plain music reviewer for a stupid site on the internet, but this was the first time to actually be walking around in something that came out of her direction and mind. It was a strange place, no organs had been insight, more a place that adventurous gothics would love to hang out in. The walls had been black and here and there a creepy spider web, I guess it wasn’t open yet for the entire public, although when arriving in the backyard area it was nicely booming with happy people walking around. I guess they where shopping for gravestones, black cloths and thick mascaras! Shopland seemed to cater even to the most alternative groups of people out there and I could only see ‘dollar signs’ in my eyes.
Apparently there was more as when I followed some of the goths I found myself in something that appeared to be a community centre that was called Your Visibility, clearly run by a secretive society named ‘Hooded Communion’. It was probably not that secret as I could walk straight in and enjoyed the view of impressive newly designed buildings impressively looked as if they had been old ruins from some long forgotten era. I saw some black clothed monks over there but did not really see a lot of shopping going on. Perhaps this was the place in which salespeople would go and bend their heads if they didn’t sell well?
Walking back through one of the many brighter looking main streets I went into an outlet by qualchan. – A Loop for Trinkets. Her everything was colourful, pink, yellow, fluffy. The perfect candy story for the kind of marshmallows to make sure the children will go one day to the dentist with plenty of damage! Nice! I made a note of that as these kind of things will bring money in the pocket one way or another.
I got a little tired from walking around the many pleasantries that Shop Land had to offer, so I stepped into Dere Moans – No Sleep Funnies, which of course couldn’t be a better super market for anything bed & sleep related. I’ve checked out the huge collection of beds, matrasses, wake up clocks and sleep stimulators and eventually chilled out in a showroom while watching some black and white television from the olden days.
Of course i had fallen asleep and got woken up by a security guard, which I also think is one thing that is notable about being here in Shopland; it feels very safe!
I was quite surprised when I stumbled upon something that felt like something from long ago, a person who claimed to be dj))water)) who sat on the street among some scruffy looking chickens while trying to play music on broken stringed instruments. It wasn’t in my plans to be spending a lot of money today, but I did toss a lot of paper cash in this person’s hat. Only realising as I walked away that this hobo might not be a hobo but actually one of the more successful businesses in this theme park. No need for rent and I gave almost all my money!
Somehow the thought that a scam artist might be the best profitable business out here gave me an instant migraine. I shouted for a doctor but instead Marsha Fisher hoped in with loud sirens. Marsha pointed a camera in my face QVCCTV while proceeding to give me the oddest sparkling bubbles that I had to drink to calm down and get rid of the painful headache. It was unconventional but worked!
All cleared from pain I just stood still against one of the many walls that Shopland had to offer, suddenly the whole wall gave in and I fell through to the other side. For a moment I though I had died, but than I saw it in golden neon letters ‘Petridisch’ the secret super market! I walked through these lanes of mystique groceries full of mystery products, smoke and freezer departments. I don’t know why but it felt like I was super Mario and this was some kind of bonus level. My head was spinning and I’ve decided to go and find my way to a nearest pharmacy. There I went triumphant into Third Witness – PSA who gave me tax credits, quick service and beats to keep my heart pumping.
Outside, while avoiding more external announcements made towards shoppers I stumbled upon some kind of experimental street music. This time it was an artist known as mzungu that was there to entertain. I wasn’t the only one here, as a large crowd of families with kids had formed around this performance act that brought great entertainment value to the theme park. Mothers and children shouted excitedly as they saw mzungu lifted up in the air, happily playing around with things that sounded deliberately broken.
Half way I thought to check out the ways of transportation, there had been underground trains, some buses but also fancy big yellow taxis. I hailed one and a chauffeur who introduced itself as moduS ponY took me for a fine and pleasant sight seeing ride. I got shown the hazy jazzy side, the robot area and the chill out zones. I ordered the taxi to stop when there was a beautiful thing that my eyes had laid upon. A very adorable micro mini supermarket powered by Suko Pyramid. Things had been super cute in there, you had to bend your head not to hit it against the ceiling but the overall atmosphere was super petite and loving. Even though it being so small it had plenty of miniature thingies for sale & I’ve even had a meet and greet with Suko Pyramid’s mum! So lovely!
I needed to stretch my back after this petite super market visit and while outside stumbled upon The Tuesday Night Machines who without asking started to mumble all about their Assets #10534 to #10542. I thought that this must be the results of an technical error, spreading out information about supermarkets that might be secret. I tried to record some of the messages so I could show the council that a security breach had already been made.
Next to it there was a arcade machine, giving us some light entertainment for the exhausted shoppers that want to get rid of the small coins in their pockets. I insert one of those and sank away in a game designed by the Blank Holidays, sweet delightful lights flashed upon the screen ‘Vous êtes un Client Très Distingué’ a lovely little digital play world of fluffiness got pumped on the screen before the coin was gone and the machine said to insert more. I thought again that it was an excellent way to get consumers nicely broke one coin after another! Delicious this sign of pure capitalism!
After this I walked back through a wonderfully designed bit of the park,
It was here that the music of Cyfrif Iâ Dur’s ‘In Some Ways We are Different and in Some Ways the Same’ was a well loving fit. Spreading pleasant warm niceness to the theme park, one of peacefulness and harmony. It was wonderful and kind, a moment of relaxing and happiness, clearly feeding the consumers a moment of feel goodness after a day of possible hardcore consuming!
With slight sadness I felt it was time to go towards the exit, the park would close any minute soon and as I walked I could hear a delightful loop for closing by qualchan in my ears, waving gently goodbyes to this long day of visiting mini markets in the impressive Shopland. After leaving the main gate I could see a peak of the cleaning team sweeping the floors behind me. They had a little van with ‘proudly sponsored by Karen Petrosia’ on it & looked like it carried enough brooms and sweeps to get the entire Shopland nice and tidy
On the carpark I took one of the special selected mini vans towards normality. The driver was VLK who showed videos in the van with bits and bulbs of memorable sightseeing moments of anything that Shopland had to offer. I felt slightly sad that I was just there as a informant for the council, because somehow I loved Shopland so much that the next day, on my day off I went again and consumed, consumed and consumed while I shopped, shopped and shopped like a maniac! If my superiors don’t give this theme park of mini markets a huge tax cut I would quit my job over it!