Teenage Granny – Glossolalia (The Harsh Sounds of the Internet)

Artist: Teenage Granny
Title: Glossolalia (The Harsh Sounds of the Internet)
Keywords: electronic databending glitch internet musique concrète spoken word Manila

Teenage Granny takes on the internet. One by one she takes all the so called social media outlets out by discussing them in such a delirious making way that by the end of it you will be glad to sign off and remove yourself from the data grid forever. Fakebook, shitter, youpoop and instagran all gets a jab by this teenage granny.

To compliment her for the hard work that she had been doing, my mother had given me a basket full of internet alternatives. Like edible apples, a net full of fresh oranges and some delicious sausage trolls. She patted daringly on my head as i hopped excitingly with basked on my arm as I shined in my wonderful little red riding hood. I had to travel through the data farms, over the hills of memes, all over the grass that was made out of fake news.

Halfway the journey a few little wolves appeared; wolf zuckerberg, Ben Bozo of the evil Amazone and Billy Gates of Hellcosoft. Not so sure who ate who but one of them immediately swallowed the other two whole. I wasn’t familiar with the winning wolf (or the losing ones) and when it so politely asked where I was going in my red riding hood and my basket full of alternatives, I gladly answered: to teenage granny! She lives there and there on a bandcamp account on the internet! Goodbye!

As I walked and jumped happily carefree past the sneaky wolf with the other wolves inside, the beast sneakily rushed over to Teenage Granny her house, tricked her to open the door, ate her and plundered her cupboard for clothes in order to dress up as her.

When I arrived I knocked on the door, the wolf said with a Teenage Granny voice that the door was already open & a please do come in. There I saw what looked like Teenage Granny in bed. I knew the internet had made her sick, but so sick that she had to be bedridden still came as a surprise. I stood next to her bed and looked at her hairy face as I asked her some silly and annoying questions.

Teenage Granny, why do you have such big ears?

It’s because so I could spy on internet users when they won’t notice anything.’she answered.

Teenage Granny ,why are your eyes so big?

It’s so I can be the big brother that always watches everyone and everything‘ she answered.

Teenage Granny, why is your face so hairy?

It’s because we live in a day and age that we can be proud to be ourselves

Teenage Granny, why do you have such big teeth?

It’s because I can eat all the internet including you and your basket full of alternatives

And at that moment the wolf jumped up dropping its Teenage Granny costume, opened its mouth wide in order to hopefully eat and swallow me, little red riding hood and my basket… I closed my eyes but saw in a millisecond the real Teenage Granny stepping out of the wolf’s mouth, ripping the beast’s opening in such a harsh way that it could simply not be used ever again.

The wolf and the other wolves inside of it lay lifelessly bleeding in a corner of Teenage Granny her bedroom while Teenage Granny hugged me in all safeness! She told me that she had waited for this moment that these big bad wolves of the internet would be together so she could kill them with noise, words and smartness. Together we stared at the basket of internet alternatives and knew that the internet would become now a new and vibrant place without greed and big fish!

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