20th December 2019
reviewed by Electric Cat Puha

This was something that my feline-fancier friends and I had been anticipating, actually salivating for. I dressed in the hope that the audience would all gussy themselves up like fans do for a Rocky Horror screening. Starting with leopard print undies, I added a blue leopard print opshop frock, a tight black fluffy top with a giant cowl/roll neck from the trash, a jumper with sequinned cat eyes from the side of the road, a pink leopard scarf that was re-gifted to me, and added massive black cat eye makeup a la Amy Meowhouse. I felt Street Cat enough, the final touch was some cheap plastic mini wine bottles stashed on my person.
On the tube I wrote a swag of burning questions down in my notebook, some of which were answered, some not. And of course I ended up with even more questions by the end of it. (I should confess, dear reader, I have never seen CATS before, and have no idea of the plot.)

CATS reporters

“Will everyone dress up” was a sad let down. Though I bet there’s quite a bit of leopard print underwear under their dull humanesque clothes. The audience was a mixture of couples, families and squads of Booze Hags littered throughout the cinema. The rating for the film was ‘U’ which I have never heard of, but I guess it just means it is for anyone that identifies as ‘You’. The audience is giggling already and nothing has happened, surely this is a good sign.
“Are they cat-sized or human-sized” appeared to be answered straight away as a rich white lady in posh car dumps a bag that has a CAT in it in the back streets. Cat size! But soon after the CATS are all over the place, and now they seem to be human size in comparison with the street objects. The size fluctuated throughout the film, these CATS are clearly Size-Fluid. The CATS are like Solid Gold Dancers in full-body leg-warmers.
Some of them seem confused about what type of animal the ‘Posh Dumped Puss’ is, one asks “Are you the cock of the walk” and everyone seems obsessed with something called JELLICOE CATS, seems a bit like Star Bellied Sneeches to me. One CAT is singing about looking for rats while they are standing on an outhouse toilet seat, peering down the bog for (aquatic?) rodents.

“Do the CATS have anuses” has already been answered, no they don’t, they have a smooth space beneath the base of their tail. So “Do the CATS use litter trays” is also answered, but more questions are raised. Mouth, nose, eyes & ears are the only meatuses that CATS have. “Do the CATS spray to mark territory” is also a no, as they have smooth areas instead of genitals. The males are even more neutered than Ken Dolls and Superheroes in comics. The ‘audiences’ for those things are cishet female children (don’t need to know about penii yet) and cishet male teens (will be too intimidated/aroused by man-sized penii), but in this case the audience is YOU and I’m thinking you would like to see more.

A tuxedo cat appears, wearing a tuxedo… Argh! So far there are no fluffy CATS, only short hairs. Apparently there are three names that a CAT has: the one the human gives you, the one that is your secret name that you never tell anyone, and, um they don’t what the other one is? The cat that tells us this, ie ‘Name CAT’ is very creepy, clearly grooming ‘Posh Dumped Puss’, but it has none of the charm of O’Malley the Alley Cat and Duchess. Apparently “Jellicoes arse is who will it be” I have no idea what this means, but ‘Name CAT’ has teenage wispy whiskers that make him even more creepy. He then leads everyone to a window and peeps on a ‘Fat Ginger Comedy CAT’ (the first chonk in the film) who is cat-sized and sitting on a chair, rubbing her inner thigh. Then there is a graphic suggestive shot where she licks her butt (or as my mum says ‘she searches for a snack of biltong’ or performs cunnilingus on herself. She has a weird mouse cabaret set up, the mice are children with pear shaped bodies. And a small platoon of beatles that march in a Military Tattoo, it’s like watching a Busby Berkley musical, except the ‘Fat Ginger Comedy CAT’ eats the dancers. There is worse to come… she unzips her fur and reveals a cabaret costume underneath! Apparently she is competing in some competition to be reborn, perhaps double skin and training then eating smaller creatures is the way to save the soul!


Next up is a fluffy feral CAT, reminding me of ‘Cat’ from Red Dwarf but much sleazier. His coat is made from an old long-haired sheepskin rug. There are some bad jokes about neutering and high pitched voices, so my question “Are the CATS neutered” seems to be answered. Also, there are no baby CATS anywhere. “If you offer me fish I always want a feast” he sings to a bunch of CAT groupies. ‘Funk CAT’ appears to be named ‘Rum Tum Tugger’ and he clearly loves pussy. There is a bizarre milk-spraying scene and then he runs out of the Milk Bar but not for long, this milk addict can’t go without for long. Perhaps ‘Funk CAT’ needs to be be born again?! Whatever the outcome, this CAT is definitely Runway Ready, he is “Rocking That Look”.

Red Dwarf – cat

Now we have another feral CAT but this one is clearly down and out. The ‘Glamour CAT’ is wearing a fur coat that is ragged and sad, but has the best singing voice so far. There is a whole lots of bullying and mean gals/guys hating on the poor thing. Unsure as to what her fur coat is made of, as she is clearly broke in this case maybe possum fur. “Do CATS hiss and fight” is answered as the gang hisses at the downtrodden. Bad CATS! The booze hags are cackling as a ‘Fat CAT Dandy’ turns up, like Uncle Monty covered in cat-hair. He is wearing a beaver-pelt top hat and “Which one is the Top Cat” is made clearer as he is obviously the Boss of the Trash Bins. It seems that if you are a chonky CAT, you are only allowed to play the comedy role. “Villainous Bill Sykes CAT” tries to throw a fish bone in the works but much like getting the role of The Next James Bond he doesn’t succeed. ‘Fat CAT Dandy’ merely strips off his foppish attire like a male stripper while Nina Garcia whispers “It looks cheap” in my ear. He deep-throats a prawn and then there’s crunch as he lands astride a chimney, I can only guess that as there’s nothing visible he hasn’t ‘dropped’ yet? “Villainous Bill Sykes CAT” who the CATS (obviously as in fear of dentists as me) call ‘McCavity’ pushes Uncle Monty down the chimney so the poor old thing can’t be born again.

Cats wearing clothes

Nobody is convinced that ‘Posh Dumped Puss’ is a CAT yet, so the ‘Geezer Calico CATS’ take her in hand. ‘Mungo Jerry’ and ‘Rumple Teazer’ are savvy CAT Burglars straight out of a Guy Richie film. The question of anuses arises again as there is a dodgy suggestive arse-pearls shot, human sized pearls and a cat sized arse. Possibly this is what “Jellicoes arse” refers too. The three of them trash the rich human’s house and then are terrorized by a dog. The ‘Geezer Calico CATS’ bail on her but ‘Pearly King Magic CAT’ appears to save the day by pulling a giant bone out of his hat. The AC/DC classic “Giving the Dog a Bone” plays in my head and the Booze Hags are in hysterics. And, the question posed by one of my co-viewers “If I put my new dressing gown on the bed, which CAT would steal it” now has an answer.

Booze hags

“Do I actually *want* to see my childhood crush Will Scarlet from ‘Robin, the Hooded Man, dum dum’ as an old man in the nude” was one of the things I was most undecided about, but luckily I was spared from having to decide as ‘Growl Tiger’ aka “Dodgy Bit of Ruff CAT” is fully clothed! He’s very much the lovable rogue of my early years and I still love him! Sadly we don’t see enough of him on his boat on the Thames, but that’s ok because ‘Hot Bearded-Nana CAT’ has arrived! She is majestic and seems to be called ‘Old Deuteronomy’ which I think is something to do with the Bible Cult so no doubt she has something to do with the Born Again Competition. ‘Hot Bearded-Nana CAT’s fur coat seems to be made out of the same fur as her body. Perhaps like ‘Fat Ginger Comedy CAT’ she has shed one outer layer many times then sewed the furs together? The best thing about her is how sexy she looks with stray hairs under her chin, she doesn’t care about plucking! “Will I be aroused, and by which CAT” was a question posed by one of my chums, I think I may have found an answer here!

Meanwhile a sleek wrestler CAT is walking around on his hind legs stroking female CATS on all fours…. like a human would, ugh! And two cats start doing some upright dance with weird CGI rubber legs, I’m afraid I lose it at this stage and howl with laughter. “Make it stop!” I say as I worry I will actually piss myself. The whole scene is like a ballet version of Beyond Thunderdome and I clearly need to empty the bladder of cheap wine. I’m thinking of the poor reject cat, she betrayed them somehow, so I’m not sure if she is Judas or Magdalene, but I am sure she will be chosen to be saved/reborn. Perhaps she will be a ‘Glamour CAT’ again! she starts to sing ‘Memories’ and I like how her nose is running directly into her mouth. This song will be belted out at Karaoke bars all over this Holiday Season! I will have to attempt to inflict it on the punters at KK McCools, hopefully they will actually know the words and will be able to supply me something to lip sync to. ‘Posh Dumped Puss’ comes out and tries to out-do ‘Glamour CAT’ in suffering, but I don’t know what she is moaning about. She says she was “born into nothing” but she clearly sent her childhood and teen years being pampered until the Rich White Lady got sick of her, probably winged too much She says no-one “wanted her” but every man-CAT has been flirting and chasing her since she arrived. She believes that the rejected cat with no friends/food/home has a better life than her as “at least you have Beautiful Ghosts” whatever that means. People leave the cinema, the gross and clueless privilege of this PUSS is too much for them.

While I felt nauseous, I had to stay and write this report, and I’m glad I did because ‘Gandalf CAT’ appears, his face filling up the screen in profile as he laps at a saucer of milk. “Do they lap like cats with tongues curled under” is a yes! Our ‘Theatre Cat’ is deeply steeped in Method Acting and has perfected the trick! I just know that all the young boys at The Pound Nightclub in Wellington in the early noughties will know this special skill well!
‘Gandalf CAT’ is like an old man at the pub, yellow teeth, HUMAN teeth (!?! I’ve just realised, they all have human teeth!) wearing an old chain-smokers dressing gown, who needs to go to the Xmash Panto now? Not I. ‘Hot Bearded-Nana CAT’ is doing a Snoop Leg Gesture, perhaps she is also known as ‘Snoop CAT!’. Then “Villainous Bill Sykes CAT” turns up and dispatches of him, he beat the Balrog but not a chance against this evil fiend.

“Billy Childish CAT” appears and starts tap dancing and then totally boganic heavy metal stripper music starts playing and “Drug Pusher CAT” appears and does some boob wiggling but she must have an inbuilt sports bra (perhaps she has the multi-layered cat skin thing going on?) because there’s no wiggle. Heidi Klum looks excited and whispers in my ear “That cleavage in INSANE!” As we know “Drug Pusher CAT” is famous for writing songs about her exes, and as she is singing all about “Villainous Bill Sykes CAT” while she drugs everybody I can only assume their prior relationship. “Drug Pusher CAT” reminds me heavily of The Joker, gassing everybody. Suddenly “Villainous Bill Sykes CAT” takes off his fur and, unlike the other CATS, he actually looks like he’s totally nude. Babs Broccoli is surely right now regretting her decision! Especially as ‘Hot Bearded-Nana CAT’ aka ‘M’ sternly gives him a telling off, what chemistry! He is not worried, and magics her off to a boat by Tower Bridge, where “Dodgy Bit of Ruff CAT” has all of the missing CATS tied up! There are threats of ‘Walking the Plank’ and the booze hags are snorting uncontrollably as ‘Pearly King Magic CAT’ is made to try and save the day. I hear Michael Kors clearly in my ear “He’s like a Matador of the Beyond Control on Crack” and yes, he does look like a bit like a disheveled Robert Smith in a top hat. I wonder idly why the CATS wear collars, if they are strays, but then maybe they all have homes and only go out at night? I’m thinking, a la Rik ‘RICK’ Mayall, PHWOARGH, more men should wear cat collars with name tags on them, and once again, “SHE looks HOT with a BEARD!”

Heidi Klum and Michael Kors love cats

There’s a tussle on the boat and poor “Dodgy Bit of Ruff CAT” is made to walk the plank. I wonder if he can swim? ‘Memories’ starts for the third time and audience members seem to be coughing up fur balls. I can’t handle it so I put my earplugs in, this is an outstanding example of the ‘Deep Earplug Muzac’ genre. Then suddenly there’s a full head shot of a poignant ‘Hot Bearded-Nana CAT’ pulling that ‘Braveheart Expression’ and I totally lose it and burst into laughter. The Booze Hag Squads join in and I can’t stop snorting. My cat-eye makeup is totally ruined as tears stream down my face and then we are back to the serious business of the ‘Jellicoe CAT Disco Suicide Cult’. Apparently “CATS are very much like you” (or maybe they mean ‘U’?) and a CAT choir tells us “A CAT is not a Dog” which I’m sure is very helpful for ‘U’ to know. There’s a lot of caterwauling about “Call him (who?) by his name” and I still don’t know what the 3rd ‘name’ is. Meanwhile, ‘Glamour CAT’ has been sent off in a hot air balloon to certain death and Tom Jones croons “Up Up And away” in my ear. Naked “Villainous Bill Sykes CAT” watches from the top of a building, and is no doubt very pleased that he wasn’t ‘chosen’ to be ‘reborn’ as he is the only one who sees what happens to the ‘lucky soul’. So much more fun being a Dickensian villain in CAT Hell than a Spirit in the CAT Sky.

There’s a bit of a to do as all the male CATS try and hook up with ‘Posh Dumped Puss’ but she chooses ‘Hot Bearded-Nana CAT’! Of course she does. She is now ‘Posh Dumped CAT’ and her future with her Sugar Mama is settled. The movie is over and we see Santa Claws walking out with his perfect snowy white beard and curled mustache. Tensions are high in the toilets where ladies are pretending they are fine, that they are riding the trip, not the other way round.
We head to the pub to wind down and these are some of my chum’s observations:

-She’s not a ‘Glamour CAT’ she’s a Glamourpuss
-The weird CGI leg CATS had Converse hi-tops on
-When the ‘Pearly King Magic CAT’ ejaculates all of his white playing cards and then ejaculates red roses all I could think of was Cannibal Corpses ‘I Cum Blood’
-At one point 2 cats were wearing hats that fir, but in the background 2 other cats were doing the my-hat-is-too-big gag
-The exact nature of what type of drug ‘CATnip’ is was hotly debated, I am still backing ‘Granulated Joker Gas’
-If you are aroused by, say, Ray Winstone as a CAT – are you *actually* aroused by RW dressed as a cat, or a cat that looks like RW?
-Is CATS or Jupiter Ascending the worst big budget movie of the decade?
-Is CATS really about the human guilt of euthanising Unwanted Stray Cats?
-Or is it about the mass euthanisation of pets in London at the outbreak of WW2?
-Or are the CATS contemplating being eaten for food during the war?

As expected, only more unanswered questions…..
Don’t listen to the critics, they’re just saddo haters. GO SEE CATS!

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1 Response to CATS the movie (SPOILER ALERT!)

  1. Brilliantly put, I no longer feel the need to see it, the costumes made me feel nauseous

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